i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
