yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize