I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
