Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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