What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
