She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Randomize
