she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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