She went from zero to smokin in five shots
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
