How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
