I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
