Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Randomize
