Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
