I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
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