I have demons in me.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
organizing the empties. That sober.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
