the new term for farting is butt boxing.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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