I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
