you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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