Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
