yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize
