they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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