the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
