my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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