Well douche your snatch and let's go!
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
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