At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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