i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Drake has all the answers
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
