i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
He's a Shit stain on my heart
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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