took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
