if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
