Sry I called you an 8
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
