I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
sarcasm needs its own font
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
