we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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