the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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