It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Randomize
