Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
