I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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