You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
