the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
