Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
