How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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