Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
