Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
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