I met the friendliest cop last night
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Randomize