I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Randomize
