I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Randomize
