Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
