i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
