Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
