Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
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