Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
There are leaves in my underwear?
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
