1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Boobs are out for the taking
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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