Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
