I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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