Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
