The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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