so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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