she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
