He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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