I just saw a hot homeless man
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Randomize
