I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Randomize
