My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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