its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
